


Whispers Of A Broken Heart (The Shards Still Cut)

by Breyito



Series: Words that come and go... [4]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: And Steve Rogers broke it, Angst, BAMF Tony Stark, Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Spoilers, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt Tony Stark, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), The Rhodes Are The Best Thing In Tony's Life, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony-centric, Vision Too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-04
Updated: 2016-07-04
Packaged: 2018-07-20 00:39:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7384048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Breyito/pseuds/Breyito
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes, what doesn't kill you only makes you suffer. But in Tony's case, even when it hurts, what doesn't kill him always makes him <i>stronger</i>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Whispers Of A Broken Heart (The Shards Still Cut)

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I am here again, with a new angsty story =D  
> This time, though, it's also got comfort and fluff! I wanted to write only about the sad and the angst, but the Rhodes didn't let me. Actually, Mamma Rhodes didn't let me...she is a scary woman. ^^U  
> Also, I know this doesn't have any dialogue, but I hope it works either way.  
> Anyways, I hope you like it! I know many of you want TeamCap reactions, but I'm just not...feeling it. I'll try to start writing it tomorrow, but who knows... ;P  
> As always, any mistakes, please inform me.  
>  **EDIT:** The foods mentioned in my fic are either italian or hungarian. The italian foods are from Tony's mother, obviously. The hungarian are from Ana Jarvis (of Agent Carter); she is a beautiful woman which I imagine pampered Tony like he was hers and then when Roberta came around, taught her Tony's favorites. Here are the links:  
>  HUNGARIAN: https://www.buzzfeed.com/anitabadejo/hungarian-foods-the-world-should-know?utm_term=.kamJX5mv1k#.ogXQEg1JzZ  
> ITALIAN: https://www.buzzfeed.com/kenziwilbur/better-than-spaghetti?utm_term=.jwq2bKvGa9#.nhJ79YenVM  
> Hope you like this!

Tony Stark suffers from nightmares, night terrors and panic attacks. As a consequence, he sometimes prefers to deal with insomnia. But the human body is weak, and it _needs_ to rest.

A few years ago, he had JARVIS to calm him down reciting the date, hour and location; he had Pepper’s warm body to anchor him to the present (his bed, his Tower; not a hard cot in a cold cave; not an off armor in a free fall from space).

Then Pepper grew more and more distant as he grew closer to the Avengers- but that was okay, was tolerable; because now every time he went to the kitchen there was someone else to share silence or brief comments and knowing, self-depreciating smiles with.

 Then JARVIS died (because of him), and the Avengers left (and no one cared enough to help him clean up the mess not only _he_ created); and Pepper told him she wanted a break (and the bed was cold, cold, cold; cold and _empty_ again).

So, even before the Accords, Tony promised to himself that he wouldn’t depend on anyone to help him with nightmares ever again (in very rare occasions Harley is the exception, and Tony suspects it’s FRIDAY’s fault but never bothered to actually prove it; because he is weak, weak, _weak_ ).

Now…now he still wakes up shaking, sweating and screaming into his empty and cold bedroom (it's always cold in his room no matter how many degrees the thermostat shows on the little screen); but he deals with it. (He doesn’t let FRIDAY talk him out of the panic; he wouldn’t be able to survive another loss like JARVIS). He deals with the nightmares and the terror on his own; he has a system worked out.

Sometimes, it’s Obie smashing the shield into the useless armor. Those nights (or days, his schedule is not exactly normal) he dons his new, improved armor and flies as high as he can, then looks down and relishes in the memory of Stane falling down in that hunk of metal. Then he goes back and prepares Rhodey, Mamma (as Roberta keeps telling him to call her, way back since he was fifteen) and Vision (if he is inclined to try it) the breakfast food he knows how to do best: coffee, bacon and several kinds of pancakes. They know better than to call him on it so they just thank him for the food and make sure he has more to eat than coffee.

Tony used to dream about his mother singing when he needed comfort. Now those dreams are filled with her voice calling for help, for Howard, for Tony. If he is really unlucky, the words ‘you should have done more, bambino’ will come out of her mouth, blue eyes dull and empty, so _empty_. When this happens he locks himself in the piano room, and plays and sings her favorite songs until his fingertips are bruised and his voice is almost nonexistent. If he stops for more than ten minutes, signalizing he finally stopped; Rhodey or Roberta come in to drag him out and the three spend part of the afternoon watching one of his mom’s favorite plays; or pass the hours mock dancing in the living room while laughing at Jim’s attempt to teach Vision how to waltz. Then, she helps him prepare _Lasagna_ _Florentine_ , _Gianduia_ _Semifreddo_ , _Cotoletta alla Milanese_ or _Gelato_ (of whichever flavor gets more votes) from scratch.

When the nightmares about Howard started Tony wasn’t shocked. He had blamed his dad for his mother’s death for _decades_ : for not letting her stay with him, for not staying home _one damn year,_ or thinking he had been drunk and drove anyway. So when his father’s figure showed up and started spitting venom at him (worthless, waste of space, never good enough, would change you for him in a heartbeat) he tried not let it get to him. He really did. But when Steve’s voice joined Howard’s he can’t stop the tears; because he feels small, pathetic, helpless, _hated_. After those dreams, he wakes Rhodey up and the other man just lets him slip under the sheets and cuddle up to him; like they used to do when they were at MIT and Howard showed his ‘disappointment’ (more like jealousy) on Tony. Then, in the morning, he goes down to the garage and systematically tears down Steve’s bike (the one from the war that his father had cared for so much) until it’s just a pile of metal scraps; or scratches the paint of that damned ‘flying car’ that his dad could never make work; or he works on something his father hadn’t been able to figure out (even if it was useless) until _he_ figures it out and can laugh while he imagines Howard’s enraged face.

More often than not, it’s Steve taking the reactor out and crushing it in his fist, while he looks at him with so much _rage_. He imagines a hole on his chest, a curve line slicing it right in the middle; a broken, beating heart still seeping blood as Steve walks away. Those times he goes out to the yard, puts the shield face down on the ground and places something out of Steve’s room (a book, a sketch notebook, a DVD, clothes, etc.) and sets it on fire. He watches the objects burn until there are only ashes left. Tony really doesn’t know how, but the other day Mamma Rhodes always seems to know, and so she cooks him one of his favorite meals for lunch or dinner: _gulyás_ , _töltött káposzta_ , _túrós_ _csusza_ with _szalonna_ , or in really bad days (when it’s raining and he can’t go out, or T’Challa hints at him to use the phone too much) _rétes_ , _madártej_ or a box of _Pöttyös_ will show up on his workshop table.

Some of the worsts nightmares he ever had are the ones about Rhodey. Sometimes it’s Steve pushing Jim out of the flying Quinjet. Or its Natasha stabbing Rhodey in the back with a rusty knife until the armor gives in and then the blood comes out. Other times he dreams of the fall as it was; only this time there’s no heartbeat FRIDAY can detect. Those are the nights he goes to Jim’s bedroom and stays there for a while, sitting on the floor and watching Rhodey’s chest go up and down with his breathing. Then, he gets up and walks to his workshop, bringing up the blueprints for Rhodey’s exoskeleton and upgrades them again, even if the last pair was finished just two days ago.

Other times… other times, it’s like he is watching those fateful ten minutes outside his body in outstanding clarity; his mind replicating every last detail he never payed attention to: the moldy smell of the base, the ten different colors of rust in the building, the three flight of stairs (eight, eight, ten) to get to the ‘containment room’, the exact shade of sickly yellow of the glass holding the bodies of the super soldiers, the sudden tension on Barnes’ stance behind him as soon as the video starts playing, the light sound of Zemo’s retreating footsteps while Steve tries to lie to him again, the grinding feel of the bones in his left arm when he takes the shield away from Rogers…(and this is what Tony hates the most about his eidetic memory, that he remembers every small detail of his torture, his failures, the betrayals he suffered…all to the T, and there is no escaping his mind; because believe him, he tried and tried and _tried_ and that never worked out).

After _those_ nightmares he goes to Vision, who is almost always awake because he enjoys sleep but doesn’t _need_ it. So he goes to Vision and they train. They spar hand to hand, Vision in case he ever needs it; Tony to feel the glorious exhilaration of a physical workout with an appropriate partner, it’s been a while since the last time he sparred with Sharon or Aunt Dottie. They practice marksmanship with guns, knives, the gauntlets, the Stone. Tony helps Vision to understand the Stone; he has read all of HYDRA’s notes and he is pretty confident that after all the practice they had, Vision could overpower Wanda’s magic; maybe even erase it from her system (which they have discussed and decided would only be considered in an extreme situation). Vision tests the suits strength, speed and maneuverability, and the resistance of the chest plate and the reactor glass (not that the reactor in the chest is the only one in the armor, there are others, smallest and hidden all over it).

After exhausting himself to the point where a five minute shower is all he can manage without accidentally falling asleep under the spray and breaking his nose or something; he tumbles into his bed and smiles. The best sleep he gets is when he knows he can beat Steve (and the rest of the man’s followers) in pretty much any situation.

Because Tony actually learns from his mistakes, and he won’t let himself be that vulnerable again.

Ever.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Leave me a comment, a kudos, an idea... I love reading what you think ;)  
> BTW, I have this headcanon about Dottie (from Agent Carter) turning to SHIELD, and becoming an honorary aunt to Tones, like Peggy was (in my headcanon); and Dot has a version of the serum (one slightly better than the one I imagine Natasha has) so she doesn't age fast. And Sharon...well, that's another headcanon I recently acquired, thanks to 'Smoke and Mirrors' by Riverlander974 (and amazing story that I LOVE, go check it out).
> 
> Kisses


End file.
